Just Say No!
My teenage daughter absolutely loves young children. We try to visit her young cousins in Yorkshire as often as possible because it's an absolute win win for everyone.
She gets to spend time with the little ones, they love being indulged by her and the grown ups all enjoy a few hours off! What's not to like?
Teenage Kicks
A while ago she told me about a talk she had at school, warning of the dangers of teenage pregnancy. She listened carefully to everything the speaker had to say and concluded that yes she would definitely like to have children as soon as possible!
I’m pretty sure that wasn't the aim of the campaign but there you go.
The Drugs Don't Work
The main campaign I remember from my school days was the anti drugs message that tied in with a storyline from Grange Hill.
Grange Hill was ace. The very popular Zammo became hooked on heroin and died from an overdose. Pretty shocking for kids TV.
The spin off single Just Say No featured the cast and it was quite a catchy little number. I still use the song as a mental prop to help me make quick and firm decisions.
Perhaps I should clarify that I don't employ it to help me refuse regular offers of heroin. I'm pretty sure it would work for that but the way I use it is more prosaic.
Whenever I'm asked to do something that seems like it would be onerous, too much like hard work, unrewarding, time consuming or out of my skill set (and that covers an enormous swathe of life) I need to swiftly and firmly say no.
It's not always the easiest thing to do. I used to more naturally say yes so I've had to consciously learn how to say no. And to feel okay about it is key.
Can't Get You Out Of My Head
There are number of different methods to use but in the very first instance I've trained myself so that the phrase Just Say No pops immediately into my head and helps me veer away from my people pleasing tendency to say yes.
That might be enough for you too but if not I've listed a handful of different ways that will help you to say no.
1 - Change Your Perspective
When you say yes to something or somebody you are actually saying no to something or someone else. And that someone is most likely you. Put your needs first.
Recognise that by saying no to the other person you are saying yes to yourself. When you say yes to the other person you'll find that your ability to do your own thing reduces massively.
Then you might start to resent the other person and yourself for having agreed to do something you don't really want to do.
"The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything." - Warren Buffett
So prioritise yourself by recognising that a no to someone else is a very big yes to yourself.
Just Say No!
2. Be Courteous And Firm
Your no can be very definite and clear but still be polite. People like to know where they stand and if you're not 100% clear in your refusal then there's a chance of confusion.
You could say something like, "I can't do that right now. I know that's not what you want to hear and I'm sorry. If things change I'll let you know." The actual word "No" isn't even in that sentence but it's definitely a very clear "No"
It also shows that you are very clearly in control of your decision. You've decided on the terms. There's no reason why you should go into any detail.
Just Say No!
3. Don't Offer Explanations
Notice that in the example above I didn't offer any explanation or go into reasons why my answer was no.
There's a good reason for this. It might seem more polite to explain the reason why you can't do something but seriously, don't do it. You could well be setting yourself up for an uncomfortable time.
When you explain your refusal then you often give the other person an opportunity to amend their request. Or to find a solution to the no you've just given. Here's what I mean:
You decline an invite to a social function that you really don't fancy.
You: "Sorry I can't come that day. I've got no-one to look after the children."
Them: "That's okay. You can bring them along."
You: "Damn."
For some people, whatever excuse you offer they will find a way to get around it. Don't offer them a foothold! Simply thank them for thinking of you and change the subject.
Just Say No!
4. Understand Where They Are Coming From
If you know what the other person's motive is this can help you to easily say no. Take chuggers for instance. You know who I mean: Charity muggers - the people who stand in the street and spot you moving towards them from about fifty feet.
As you get closer their smile gets wider and they move towards you.
"Hi. How are you today? Do you have a just a few minutes to help children who suffer from X?"
That's a very manipulative sentence, the implication being that if you refuses you are a terrible person. Hearing overt manipulation like this allows me to recognise that I'm being played and allows me to not feel guilty.
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"Would you like to donate £5, £10 or maybe even £20?" - there's not an option for £0
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"How much would you like to donate?" - their assumption is that you would like to donate something
I always match their smile completely whilst mouthing "No thank you. I'm not interested. Most definitely not." I don't break my pace.
I've already decided the answer is no so the question is irrelevant.
It also helps me to know that they are doing this for financial reward. They don't personally help the abandoned dogs / orphaned children / lonely old people. They are paid a basic hourly rate with a potential for bonuses depending on how many people they sign up.
That's enough about street fundraisers because this tip can be used for anyone. If you have an understanding of where the other person is coming from then you can make an informed decision.
Just Say No!
5. Say Yes But With Terms
Saying no at work is often a bit tricker. You've no doubt already got a full work schedule and your to do list is straining at the seams. And then you get asked to take on another project or a few more tasks than you can realistically handle.
One option here is to calmly say something like "Yes, I'd be happy to take that on but let me share my situation with you. I already have A, B and C ongoing. If I take on X and Y then I'll need to stop work on either A or C. Which would you like me to complete first?"
This approach can be highly effective in a work situation because you're doing a few things:
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You're sharing the full picture of your workload. Your boss might not have fully realised what the situation is.
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You give a clear indication that you are on top of your work schedule. You know exactly what is going on and how long work takes.
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You are not saying no to the work, but you are saying no to extra work
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You are giving the decision back to your boss and ensured they now have full context
I hope these ideas are useful for you. There are lots of other ways to say no. I should put them all together in one huge Just Say No document.
Actually, I think I might just do that, then print it out and leave it in my daughter's room in the hope that she reads it! It might be useful one day!
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