Tips For Dealing With Failure

When things go wrong or a setback occurs people are often immediately very hard on themselves. and are quick to judge something they do as a failure.

Worse than that, they apply that same label to themselves.

"I tried that and it didn't work. It failed. I'm a failure."

This is a bit of a bugbear for me. It's such an inconsistent and illogical strategy to employ. It is a common sentiment that, if viewed through the lens of positive psychology, could become a powerful motivator for future attempts. 

Failure Is A Part Of Life

My first tip is just because you experience 'failure' it doesn't mean that you are one. It may be that you cannot change what's happened but experiencing failure doesn't equate to being a failure. You don't need to gain ownership of a label that you really have no right to possess.

We don't do it the other way round, claiming a label of brilliance when we do something that others think is completely amazing.

We actually do the opposite. We brush off the compliments with "Oh, it was nothing really."

We might allow ourselves a glimmer of inner joy or even a jovial "Thanks, I enjoyed doing it," but you never ever say "Yep, that's right, I'm a bona fide genius."

Time Will Overcome

Too often we are happy to take on the label of failure. But why?

Just because of some actions we took.

Actions that are already in the past by the way.

How long do you need to leave them before they become history?

• 5 years?
• 5 months?
• 5 days?
• 5 minutes?

Why not show yourself a little more self-compassion, skip the lengthy delay options and choose five minutes?

Secondly, 'failure' is subjective. It's important to recognise your perspective matters. How you think of failure and reflect on experiencing a failure is crucial. If you allow yourself to feel comfortable about a mistake or failure and recognise that it's normal to make mistakes you'll be able to avoid stress and anxiety and step back to see it in a different light.

Everyone fails at some point or other so it's important to acknowledge that fear of failure is fairly irrational. You'll never completely avoid failure so it's important to find a way to learn to embrace or confront the experience. 

How you view failure can make a huge difference to your emotional wellbeing and the long-term results you would like to achieve, so it's beneficial to seek out tips for dealing with failure and get better at it. If you recognise that failure is inevitable then gaining skills to cope with it is a definite kindness to yourself.

Failure Is Just A Step

People too often view failure as the end of the road. A closed door. A final nail in the coffin. This is very unhelpful, especially when considering how understanding and handling the emotion of disappointment is crucial in moving forward. It's not going to help you cope with failure more effectively next time.

It can result in people not even attempting to do something, just in case they end up failing. Going to great lengths to avoid failure means there's a flaw in your thinking. That way you're guaranteed to never succeed.

A perspective that is much more useful to adopt is that there is no such thing as failure, there's only feedback.

I'm sure you've heard this before, and I'm sure you can argue strongly against it. That's the easy bit actually. It's much harder to argue for it.

But here's the thing; what would change if you actually believed it?

If you truly believed that all events are simply just experiences from which you can continue the narrative of your life, then how would it affect you?

Would you be open to actively picking up a metaphorical pen and proactively writing the next chapter with a firmer idea of how you want the story to continue?

A Perspective To Deal With Failure

This sort of perspective can help you to value all your past ‘failures’ and frustrations as foundation stones for the life and career you are creating for yourself now.

Without mistakes you never learn anything. 'Failure' is an integral part of success, and acknowledging this can motivate us to persevere in the face of disappointment. Failure could be viewed as a stepping stone to the next achievement. 

If you haven't thought this way before, practise using this perspective for the next few days and see how it feels to realise there is really no such thing as failure, just experiences and opportunities to learn and cope better. I think it's one of the best ways to progress forward. 

Failure can feel as though it is all encompassing at times and you may associate disappointment or anger. But if you spend time dwelling on these negative emotions you won't be able to move on.

Note down how it feels and what you learned from thinking like this, as remembering these lessons can be a powerful tool in dealing with future disappointments. 

An Insight To Overcome Failure

Another approach for accepting or even embracing failure is not thinking too highly of yourself.

I don't mean lower your standards or let people trample over you, just be less precious about your feelings. It's just a feeling.

If you have an elevated view of your own importance, you can be more afraid of what people will think of you if you 'fail'.

This makes it more unlikely for you to take beneficial risks and increases the likely pain for when things don't go as you've planned ('failure'), which is why it's essential to develop resilience and learn how to handle failure.

If you've already accepted that people might not like what you do then you have less to lose. When you do fail, which is very likely by the way, if not inevitable, you can laugh at yourself!

Nothing will drive your fear away faster than being quick to acknowledge your own mistakes with a laugh.

A Tip To Feel More Confident

Look back to your past for an event that didn’t go the way you planned and you got yourself worked up about. Something that mattered then and seemed important at the time, but that doesn't matter now. You may find that's useful information that could help you in a similar situation or with your next challenge.

If it doesn't really matter now, did it really matter back then? Perhaps it did, but as much as you thought it did?

Remind yourself that your failures are rarely as final as the word failure seems to sound. Instead think of them as lessons that help you gain insight into how to improve performance.

Allow yourself time to recover, give yourself the compassion to overlook or learn and improve from anything you could have done differently. Cultivate a mindset of gracefully accepting that things didn't work out. Don't let failures define you and knock your self esteem.

Step back and reevaluate whether your goal is achievable. Ignore any embarrassment, decide that you will keep trying, need to improve, or work harder or find different ways to step forward.

Mistakes are the most effective legal performance enhancers known on the planet, as they motivate us to improve and learn. Embrace them!