Habits Are Like Pearls
A while ago I shared a story about socks. The story wasn't really about socks of course, it was about the the power of perspective and how it can change negative habits.
The perspective strategy that I used doesn't rely solely on being annoyed by socks. That would be a very niche strategy. It can be used on any particular annoyance caused by a person who is important to you.
Someone who might annoy the hell out of you but who you, in truth, value dearly. Someone who you would miss painfully, more painfully than the annoyance they cause.
I refer to that particular Perspective strategy as Signs of Life but recently I came across a similar one called Pearl Habits.
Changing Habits
I bought a book called Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg and, despite his ludicrous name, his Pearl Habits strategy is a really useful one. He uses the genesis of pearls as a model for changing how you think and feel.
In the same way a piece of grit in an oyster transforms into a lustrous pearl you can take an irritating situation and gradually turn it into a beautiful habit. The steps are simple and there's only a few to take.
- First find an irritant in your own life. I'm guessing that's not gonna take that long. Life is full of irritants!
- Use the irritant as a prompt to do something that is positive, helpful, or meaningful for your everyday life.
- Repeat to fade until the irritant is no longer a bother, but more like an indication that something nice is about to occur.
That's it. So what does it look like in practice?
Grounds For Divorce
BJ Fogg shares Amy's story as an example. Amy is going through an acrimonious divorce and every time she has contact with her husband they clash. Her response is to feel upset, angry or guilty all over again.
In order to not feel this way Amy needs to ensure she has a different response to this difficult encounter.
My Signs of Life strategy wouldn't work here with an ex she hates! Instead, enter Pearl Habits.
"Using her husband’s behavior as her prompt, Amy made a plan: Any time she felt defeated or attacked by her ex, she would immediately decide to do something nice for herself — listen to a new album from her favorite band or the audiobook that she wanted to finish but never had the time to. Sometimes Amy drove straight to Starbucks for a cup of her favorite tea. But whatever she did had to make her feel good."
Creating Habits
Like the Plectrum of Gratitude, where you create a fresh habit of noticing and appreciating the positive things you have in your life, Pearl Habits allow you to develop a new way of responding to a negative problem.
It allows you to take ownership of a negative situation and reframe it as the catalyst for something better.
In A Different Place
Weirdly, (or perhaps not), Amy began to look at the clashes with her husband differently. She began to see them as inadvertent gifts because every time he insulted her she got to do something really nice for herself.
He was prompting her to have an enjoyable experience and, as a bonus result, his insults began to have less of an impact too.
Clearly, you can use Pearl Habits on people but you can also use them on inanimate situations too.
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Don't enjoy exercising? Treat yourself afterwards with an indulgence e.g. massage/shopping spree/new book/bunch of flowers.
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Don't enjoy waiting in queues (socially distanced or otherwise)? Practise standing on one leg. Or learn what a meditative body scan is. Or try memorising a poem. Or learn the titles to all of Shakespeare's plays.
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Don't enjoy cleaning the toilet? Set up a Pearl Habit so that you can quickly enjoy something else immediately after e.g. a relaxing bath. (Do enjoy cleaning the toilet? You have a whole different problem going on that I can't help you with.)
What irritants do you have in your life? How many pearls do you think you can string out of them? Have fun in the process.
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