That's Me In The Spotlight

The doorbell rang.

I was upstairs at the office desktop. I pressed Command + Tab and checked the outside camera. 

It was a delivery. Damn. I now had to leave my seat and answer the door.

I trotted downstairs and pulled the door.

“Morning,” I said.

“Afternoon you mean,” replied the delivery guy. “Can you sign here mate?”

As I scribbled the sleeve cover of Unknown Pleasures with my finger on his electronic pad I could sense him looking me up and down.

I was standing in my dressing gown and slippers, unshaven with bed hair. Must have been a sight.

"Day off is it?” he asked.

“Yep. Day off,” I said.

“Alright for some, innit?” he exclaimed. “I've been up and out delivering since six. Enjoy your relaxation.” 

He emphasised the word ‘relaxation’, drawing out each syllable and emphasising the “ay-shun”. 

And with that he was off.

All We Want To Be Is Lazy

A few years ago this would have driven me up the wall. His comments would have really annoyed me. Who does he think he is? Judgey McJudgeface?

These days I just think, hey that’s an idea for a Top Tip. A starting point at least. And here were are. So what’s the tip then?

Today’s Top Tip is to not care so much about what other people think of you.

It’s often quite difficult to achieve because in truth we all do care what others think of us.

That’s why we take care of our appearance, choose nice clothes, clean our houses, write a flattering LinkedIn profile, and curate the best elements of our lives on Facebook and Instagram. Our 2D lives are much better than our 3D lives!

We clearly care what others think of us. And I felt that the delivery guy thought that I was lazy. He definitely did. 

Yes, I was swanning about in my dressing gown at midday on a working day but even so he didn’t have to point it out. Outrageous!

Look, that’s mock indignation I’m showing ‘cos I’m really not bothered but I’m flagging that encounter as something that could have annoyed me for a couple of reasons. 

One is that we don’t ever like to be seen as something less than we are. And a dressing gown at midday person isn’t what I wanted to be known as. 

But the other reason is that it wasn’t actually true. It wasn’t my day off. I just said it was because it’s more complicated and, frankly, tedious to explain otherwise. Especially in a twenty second meeting of no consequence. 

Also I wasn’t being lazy. Far from it. Even though he thought I was.

Wake Up It’s A Beautiful Morning

On that particular morning I had woken up at 5am. Don’t know why but I woke up at that time and found myself completely alert. There was no hope of drifting off for another hour or two.

Instead, I climbed out of bed, headed downstairs and booted up the coffee machine. Five minutes later I was at my keyboard, chomping toast, slurping a mug of hot joe and working.

Some mornings the work just flows and I find it difficult to stop. Or too easy to continue. Whichever. 

The words fall like heavy rain onto the page and time just flies*. This was one of those mornings. 

I worked non stop, interrupted only by the three other house dwellers, bidding me farewell in their separate ways.

I worked in a state of flow until finally at 12.09pm the doorbell rang. You already know who it was.

So by the time I opened the door to the delivery guy I’d worked solidly for seven hours. But the image I presented didn’t convey that. It looked like I’d just dragged myself out of bed.

Getting Better All The Time

I often write Top Tips that I can’t actually do or haven’t yet achieved (like being average on a daily basis). 

But on this occasion I have learned to not care so much about what others think. Most of the time anyway. 

And definitely for people who have no impact on my life. Like this delivery guy.

A good while ago, in the days when I did care, his assumption would have bothered me. And probably stayed in my head for too long.

I'd have wanted to put him right. Explain myself. His comments would have wound me up. But I’ve learned that you get to choose how you respond to people’s comments. And how you get to feel about them.

It’s not important that he knows the truth of my situation and how much I’d been working. It’s not important for me to be right. 

So on this occasion I was able to choose not to be offended or upset or whatever ego driven response would have previously occurred. 

Instead I chose to be amused and to use the event as future content. I popped back upstairs and added the idea for this email to my Trello board. In the column called Icebox I jotted a few lines down so I would remember this encounter, and the idea it gave me.

Baby I Don't Care

Work on not letting it bother you. Don't worry about what other people think of you. 

For one it takes up far too much time. In that time you’re not being productive. You could be thinking of useful stuff, positive things that could be taking you forwards.

Also it's irrelevant what they think. It usually doesn’t matter that they get the wrong end of the stick. You don't need to be right all the time. You don’t need to explain your side of the story.

It’s no doubt the case that my delivery guy probably never even gave our encounter a second thought. Imagine if he’d gone home talking to his family or mates about me and my dressing gown. 

If he did that I think we’d agree he might be the one with a bit of a problem. (Although it is a very fetching dressing gown!)

The sad (yet liberating) truth is that usually no one is thinking about you. 

Take A Look At Me Now

Some folk though, especially young people and narcissists, suffer from something called The Spotlight Effect.

They think that everyone is noticing what they’re doing and judging them. That their actions are what people are thinking about. They believe they are the lead character in the play of life and everyone else is in the audience, focused on them.

We’re all in the lead role of our own production. That’s normal. I used to be the lead role in the play of my life. It was easy in the 90s - I was the oscar worthy film star delivering scene stealing performances every step of the way.

Nowadays it seems like the generations above and below me have taken over and squeezed me out of the scene. I’m too busy working, decluttering the house or being Dad’s Taxi to focus on my own performance! I’m hardly in the script. 

These days it feels like I’m a bit part player in my own bloody biopic.

Why Should I Care?

But seriously Spotlight Syndrome can have a negative effect on wellbeing. So it's worth addressing if you're prone. It’s alright being the centre of your own world, but when you believe you’re the centre of everyone else’s too it can play havoc with anxiety levels.

It’s debilitating if you believe that all your flaws and mistakes are being noticed by others. The feeling of embarrassment goes off the charts when you think everything you do is being highlighted and judged.

So it’s liberating to know and accept that they’re really just not thinking about you. They’re more concerned with what they’re having for tea, or if it’s going to rain or how much more their mortgage is costing now.

So right now, embrace and enjoy knowing that no-one really gives a toss about you. And that’s a good thing!