Who's Responsible?

“It’s my responsibility, what am I going to do about it?”

This is a maxim I learned a while ago and it’s held me in good stead. Recognising it and applying it has been a very empowering thing to do.

I sometimes share this line in a coaching session or on Resilience training. Sometimes there’s a bit of pushback or cynicism about how a line like that could help. I’ll paraphrase the resistance like this:

“Sure, that’s a lovely line Iain, but it’s not realistic. In the heat of the moment emotion takes over. You can’t help but get upset / emotional / angry / carried away etc.”

That’s not true. Or rather it doesn’t have to be. And it certainly isn’t my experience.

Another Tricky Day

That line has helped me to negotiate all sorts of tricky situations, calmly and rationally. 

It’s great for all the normal little life things like finding the teenagers have messed up the kitchen or the printer ink has run out or the person before you has jammed the photocopier and left it.

But it’s been invaluable for the proper crises. That’s where it really comes into to play in high stake situations where important consequences will occur. 

For me these have included medical emergencies, missing three year olds, financial dramas, teenage meltdowns, mid travel nightmares and traffic accidents.

Over the years I’ve learned that I’m pretty good in a crisis. Or maybe I’ve learned to become pretty good in a crisis. If that’s the case I feel it’s entirely because of that one line.

“It’s my responsibility, what am I going to do about it?”

Movin’ On Up 

It helps you move very quickly from grumbling or feeling helpless about a situation to focusing on what the solution could be.  For me deciding to be solution focused is great in a number of ways.

If nothing else,  it makes life less stressful. I’ve noticed that when you move away from the problem then you don’t really have much time to worry about it. 

You’ve moved your focus on to how the problem can be solved and this requires you to be calm, rational and quicker thinking. None of which can happen if you’re still busy in the “Aaargh! What about the children?!” mindset.

Say someone drives into the back of your car. Immediately, or as soon as possible, you’ve got to get into the zone of “It’s my responsibility what am I going to do about it?”

But that’s not fair you say. “It’s not my fault. Someone else has driven into me, they’re to blame. It should be their responsibility.”

No One Ever Said It Was Going To Be Easy

Yeah, that’s important. Let me break this bit down.

Yes, it’s not your fault. 

Yes, they are the one to blame. 

No, don’t leave the responsibility for the next step up to them. 

You should take responsibility. 

I never said it was fair.

At times I hate the line. Because it’s not fair. And it means you have to assume the often onerous position of taking responsibility. And that’s often hard work. And doesn’t feel right. 

But . . . 

As soon as you take ownership of the situation you will have more control and influence over what happens next and how things will pan out. And you want them to pan out in your favour don’t you?

Ain't Got No Distractions

Don’t start focusing on the massive dent in the back of your car.  And smashed glass over the road. Or how much it's going to cost you. Or how upset you feel. Or thinking about how late you’re going to be for the important meeting you had planned (although do take responsibility and call in to tell them you’ll be late).

Instead say to yourself “It’s my responsibility, what am I going to do about it?”

Immediately take that responsibility. Take out your phone and start documenting what has just happened. Open the recording or video app. Look around for witnesses. Ensure you’ve got the car model noted. Write down their registration number. Speak out loud into your app giving a clear explanation to yourself of what just happened.

What’s next? Get thinking as clearly and rationally as possible. Check that things are safe. Get the other driver’s details. You want them to cooperate so keep calm. 

Calling them names and explaining the error of their ways isn’t going to help you with your ownership of what happens next. 

Don’t scratch that itch, as tempting as it may be. You want to be in control of the situation and the outcome as much as is possible.

That’s not going to happen if you’re allowing your emotions to take over. And although some people insist that is going to happen, it’s really not inevitable.

Who’s Responsible?

I should maybe admit here that I actually don’t use this specific line. With weary predictability it probably won’t surprise you to learn that there’s a pop lyric that does the same job. 

It’s a bit sweary so I’ve gone for the more polite version to illustrate the point in the newsletter. But I use the sweary version on myself to ram home the importance of needing to take responsibility.

If you do want the sweary version you’ll find it in the intense and decidedly angry Manic Street Preachers album The Holy Bible. The third track has a furious coda barking the rhetorical question you need.

Whichever version you adopt, this maxim can help you to feel less stressed and to have more ownership of most outcomes.

It can do a lot more than that too. Next week I’m going to talk about how you can use the same maxim to improve your happiness. Cliffhanger hey!

Until then however, enjoy your weekend and the following week. Have fun taking responsibility, focusing on solutions and reducing the stress in your life.